a Separation

Divorce happens between adults — but family breakdown can have profound effects on children, too. Here are ways that may help you make it easier for the child.

Put your child first

Divorce is a psychological stressor for all family members. Your child may feel as if his world has been turned upside down, but don''t be sad, there is good news. You can make it easier for your child to cope with divorce by interacting responsibly with your spouse. Keep these practical tips for children and divorce in mind.

How to report the news

It is best if you and your husband both tell your child about the divorce. Speak plainly and simply, but skip the gruesome details. You could say, "Your mother (or father) and I had a misunderstanding, so we think it would be best for us to part."

Make sure your child understands that divorce is between adults only. Remind your child - over and over again - that he is not the reason for the divorce, and that you both love him as much as you have always loved him.

Also tell your child''s school counsellor, doctor and teacher about the divorce, as they can monitor your child, keep you informed of any emerging concerns and give you guidance.

Anticipate reactions

At first, your baby may be more interested in tangible things. Where will I live? Do I need to change school? Who will take me to swimming lessons? While you''re working through the divorce, try to maintain your child''s routine as much as possible - or quickly set up a new one. Knowing what to expect will help your child feel more secure.

But soon the reality of divorce will stabilize, as the younger child may respond to psychological pressure by returning to a behavior that was his behavior at an earlier age, such as sucking a pacifier or wetting the bed, and separation anxiety may also return to him. Help your child express his feelings with words.

An older child may respond to stress with a mixture of emotions - anger, anxiety, sadness or even pain relief. If your child does not vent his anger, he may become depressed or show signs of withdrawal. Anger may also have the opposite effect, causing a child to misbehave or vent their anger or develop behavioral problems. Encourage your child to share his feelings as freely as possible.

Keep your child out of arguments

Respecting your child''s relationship with the other parent may help the child cope with the divorce. Keep the following general "taboos" in mind:

Do not speak badly of your husband in front of your child.

Don''t force your child to choose between you.

Do not use your child as a messenger or mediator.

Do not argue or discuss child care issues in front of your child.

Do not ask your child to tell you information about the other parent.

Do not use your child to harm the other parent.

Don''t play around with the rules

It may be tempting to relax the parenting rules while your child is grieving the divorce, but this can lead to more insecurity. Children thrive on harmony, family structure, and routine—even if they insist on testing boundaries and limitations. If your child shares time between two families, it is important to maintain similar rules in both homes.

Seek advice from a professional

You may feel so abused or overwhelmed by the divorce that you turn to your child for comfort, but this is not a child''s role. For help with recognizing your feelings, consider joining a divorce support group or seeking advice from a social service agency or mental health center.

If you and your spouse need help reaching decisions about your child during or after a divorce, consider using the services of a family or divorce mediator.

Your child may also benefit from counseling, especially if he or she has significant behavioral problems, seems depressed, or has trouble adjusting to divorce after the first year.

Put your child first

During a divorce, interacting with your spouse may be the last thing you want to do — but it''s important. Your child needs both of you. Work out custody arrangements and other details with your child''s best interests in mind. This may mean putting your child''s needs ahead of your own wants or needs.

Remember, too, that a bitter and drawn-out custody battle can have a serious and long-term impact on a child''s mental health. Instead, help your child maintain a strong emotional connection with the other parent while working toward shared parenting goals.

For your child, support from both parents may be the best way to ease the challenges of divorce.